418: Breaking Out of a Sexual Rut & Revitalizing Your Relationship - Dr. Juliana Hauser

Dr. Juliana: 00:00:00

I felt so changed by the experience of having him. And in this relationship, I really felt like I blossomed. You can literally see the pictures.

I look different from the beginning of that relationship to the end.

ELLA: 00:00:12

That's all that vitamin O.

Dr. Juliana: 00:00:15

Well, that too. That is accurate.

ELLA: 00:00:19

Welcome, you're on air with Ella, where we share simple strategies and tips for living a little better every day.

If you're interested in mindset and wellness, or healthy habits and relationships, or hormone health, aging well and eating well, honestly, if you're just into living better and with more energy, then you're in the right place. We're not here for perfect. We're here for a little better every day. Let's go. Hey, you're on air with Ella. And today I'm joined by my friend, Dr.

Juliana Hauser. Hey, Juliana, how are you?

Dr. Juliana: 00:00:51

Hi. So happy to be here.

ELLA: 00:00:53

I am so thrilled that we're finally making this happen. Where are you hailing from today, Juliana?

Dr. Juliana: 00:00:58

I'm in Lexington, Kentucky.

ELLA: 00:01:00

Lexington, Kentucky. Shout out to my friends in Lexington. I asked you that on purpose. Dr. Hauser, will you please tell us who you are and what you do?

Dr. Juliana: 00:01:08

I am a twice licensed marriage and family therapist and professional counselor that has an area of expertise in sexuality, menopause, and if it's a taboo topic, I usually have done a talk, a workshop, or an article about it. And the crux of my work is based on holistic sexuality and the concept of agency.

ELLA: 00:01:31

Juliana, I wanted to talk with you about several of these taboo topics, as you say, because we have talked about desire on this show. We have talked about the different types of desire on this show.

We have talked about pleasure, we have talked about centering ourselves, but we have never once addressed a topic that you call holistic sexuality. Can you tell me what you mean when you talk about holistic sexuality?

Dr. Juliana: 00:01:57

Yes. And thank you for. For bringing out the topic of. Of sex and sexual wellness in so many different arenas too.

A lot of people shy away from the topic of sex or don't think that it is involved in health and wellness. And I so appreciate it. I always find people brave. I'm a big fan. Yes. Yeah, me too. But I just want to acknowledge not everyone does it.

And I thank you for bringing this topic to. To your listeners. So holistic sexuality. In some ways, I am one of the most unlikely people to have become an sexuality and sex. I.

I started off as a kindergarten teacher, and it's so funny when I see my college friends, they're like, really? So how did, how did we get from here? To there.

But when I, when I talk about what I mean by holistic sexuality, then it really is the, the trajectory makes a lot more sense because it's something that's accessible for all of us. We're just taught the wrong things about what sex and sexuality is.

ELLA: 00:02:53

If we're taught anything at all.

Dr. Juliana: 00:02:55

Oh, correct, yes. If we're taught anything at all, we're taught fear based.

We are taught that it has nothing to do with pleasure and it is all the bad things that are going to happen to your body if you do this. And then you're just magically at some point supposed to be great at it, love it and do it long term. Yeah, it's ridiculous.

It's, it's this magical, mystical thing. So I, I removed all of the messaging and all of the things that didn't fit right. And I sat with it. What is sexuality?

And I really realized it was the essence of who we are. So holistic sexuality, in my eyes is the frontier of self development.

That sexuality, if you look at it holistically, is the way to look at the one of the deepest parts of us and how we share how we connect with other people, whether it's an overt sexual act or it is just a way of revealing our core.

And what I've learned is because sexuality has so many things attached to it politically and socially and with religion, all the different messaging that if you can figure out who you are with all of that and sift through it, as well as how much it changes depending on our, where we are in our lifespan, what's happening in our relationships, what's. What's happening in our bodies, our physicality and emotions related to who we are as a sexual being.

If you can figure out who you are in the midst of all of that, then you really do know who you are. So I connected with that notion and then I wanted to prove it.

And so in: 2004

And so it started with females there and then it started going to all genders and then all ages. And I, I wish I had a number of how many people, but it's in the thousands that I've asked. And so this data has come from that.

Then I started refining it with if you are feeling content and fulfilled in your life. And I combined the two and then I also Looked for the negative, which is if. If it was completely absent, if you didn't feel like you were there.

And I came up with nine pillars, nine topics, and that's where I landed with holistic sexuality. And then I looked for the glue, which, as I said earlier, that agency is the glue.

And agency, for me, it's so important in a concept of holistic sexuality, because I believe holistic sexuality is such an individual endeavor.

ELLA: 00:05:21

What do you mean when you say agency is the glue that makes this picture work together?

Dr. Juliana: 00:05:26

Because my work as a therapist and as an educator combined, when people go to a therapist in general, it was there. It's the pain points in their life.

And when I started asking for the pain points of their life, what I saw was that it was the places where they didn't show up for themselves. It was the places where they didn't know their terms. It's the.

It's the places where they felt like they didn't have sovereignty and authenticity in the choices that they were making. And I started asking more questions about that as well and what that boils down to.

The simplest way to define agency is to learn your terms and then to live your terms.

ELLA: 00:06:02

Brilliant.

Dr. Juliana: 00:06:03

And I want to say further why it's such an important part of holistic sexuality. We are.

We change our sexual culture, we change our sexual relationships, and we change our mental health well being when we learn the truth of who we are. And learning who we are helps us learn the truth of what we want and what we need.

It helps us learn what our terms are, and it helps us be supported in living out our terms, which is agency.

And when you have agency in yourself, in your relationships and as a culture, then we have a lot less trauma, we have a lot less negativity, we have a lot more truth of people living their life with purpose and intention. And that makes a big difference. And we have so many problems happening in our sector sexual culture. Agency is the game changer to fix this.

ELLA: 00:06:49

Let me tell you something that I appreciate about that. Especially for women, I have to say, Juliana, and that is that so often women define themselves in terms of who they serve.

So we are, for years and years, maybe you're defining yourself as a wife in some capacity. Obviously, this is not the truth for everyone. I'm speaking in very broad terms here.

But even more often, I would submit, at least through my lived experience, we define ourselves through our children. Like, even if you're introducing yourself, you might be like, I'm a wife and a mom. And then you get to you, if ever.

And my point is, is that what you are saying is you are centering yourself in this equation. And until you know who you are and what you want and what is aligned for you, you can't really have agency.

Therefore you can't really have true fulf by this definition. Is that a fair equation?

Dr. Juliana: 00:07:46

It, it is. And, and I know that there are, there are always exceptions and, and people, when I speak in absolutes, will, will have issue with that.

But I do think an absolute general. And I, I, I'll, I'm going to give it. 98% of people I think fall into that category.

And I, and I would say for me, when you talked about how women in general define themselves, that's absolutely my story. When I, I realized that I went from wanting to be the good girl that my parents approved of my behavior to what are the what did my friend group do?

To getting married and how was everything defined by my husband?

And not that he was being domineering, I just, I just acquiesced right over to it, had a deference to him without him even really having a choice of defining it for me. We divorced and when, when I was single, it was jarring to me to, for the first time to have so many options.

I almost had paralysis by choice of who I am and what am I. I end up meeting someone dating for quite some time and he was one of the first men who would sit back and say, well, what do you want?

What do you need inside and outside of, of sex? And it was very scary to not know. I felt like there was this huge spotlight on me.

I, I felt shocked that I would have described myself as quite confident. And I knew who I was. I'd done a lot of self development.

But when he asked the question and paused and waited for me to have an answer, it was surprising how many times I didn't have it. And it was exciting that he wanted that from me.

ELLA: 00:09:22

I think that is such a critical observation.

And this is frankly, you recognize that I'm willing to talk about sex, but I'm willing to talk about sex the same way I'm willing to talk about self care. Because it's not a luxury. It's crucially necessary in whatever way is available and aligned to you.

It is such a representation of us being able to be intentional about our lives. It is such a metaphor even for being able to know what we want.

As you said, like so many of us are out here and we can't answer the question what do we want? When it comes to our dreams for ourselves when it comes to even our preferences, big and small, much less sex.

So to me, it's like, it's almost a metaphor, Juliana, for so many other things that comprise living an intentional. An intentional life.

Dr. Juliana: 00:10:14

Yes, it's truly changed my life. And I want to add to that, to that story that I was telling you about the guy that I ended up dating.

So I felt so changed by the experience of having him. And so I, in that relationship, I really felt like I blossomed. You can literally see the pictures. I look.

I look different from the beginning of that relationship to the end.

ELLA: 00:10:35

That's all that vitamin O.

Dr. Juliana: 00:10:39

Well, that too. That is accurate. Oh, hello.

ELLA: 00:10:42

Hello. Sorry for the bad sound quality. I'm in transit right now, but I just wanted to let you know, you.

Speaker C: 00:10:47

Know how we talk about what you focus on grows well in April. If you're listening to this in real time, I'm talking about April coming right around the corner. April, we are going to focus on strength.

Our next monthly challenge is 21 days of pushup. It doesn't matter if you can do zero push ups. If you can do 10 push ups, it does not matter.

The whole point of this challenge is to start where you are, use what you have, do what you can, and increase just a little bit every single day. I love challenges like this because you will see a marked difference between day one and day 21. You will actually see tangible results.

And that makes me happy.

Dr. Juliana: 00:11:28

Every day.

Speaker C: 00:11:28

I will be going live in Instagram and sharing how to change your form, how to do a perfect push up, how moving your arms affects the muscles that you work, where to start. If you can only do one pushup or half a pushup, what to do? If you can do more than 10 push ups, what's next for you?

And this is available to anyone who subscribes in Instagram. Join the group. Share your accountability. We post every day what we did that day. And I will be doing a lot of instructive videos for this one.

Anyway, I hope to see you in there. It's 21 days of push ups in Instagram at On Air with Ella.

Dr. Juliana: 00:12:05

Our sexuality is so fluid, and I don't mean that in orientation. It's not for everybody that it's going to be changing.

What I mean is our understanding of who we are as a holistic sexual being absolutely has to change in lifespan, in relationships and everything. And you have to have the agility to keep going back to it.

ELLA: 00:12:23

That is exactly why I wanted to speak with you, because I Happen to know that you have a special affinity for women in midlife and beyond. I hate, by the way. I just, I need new language for that. I don't even like saying it.

Dr. Juliana: 00:12:35

I know.

ELLA: 00:12:36

I really would like to retract that statement, but let's just say women over 35. Okay. That's my cop out.

Dr. Juliana: 00:12:43

Yes.

ELLA: 00:12:44

Okay. I want to talk about sex through this lens of holistic sexuality. I want to address some of the things that come up for us.

What, what our biggest hang ups are, what we're struggling with, what happens when our bodies are changing and we need to rectify that or like appreciate and understand and live through that throughout our lives, much less in the bedroom. I want to talk to you about that and breaking out of ruts and patterns, et cetera.

And I will say again, it's impossible to have these conversations and cover absolutely everyone. So we will be speaking in sort of general, broad terms, but the spirit of what we're talking about is really quite universal.

You don't have to be married as one example for these concepts and these principles to apply. So I just wanted to be clear about that.

Dr. Juliana: 00:13:31

Yeah. Thank you. Because I do find that a lot of times when we talk about sexuality that there is a relationship focus to it.

And, and that's absolutely relevant for a lot of people. But, but what's across the board is that you have to have your own sexuality squared away with you, whether you're a partner or not.

ELLA: 00:13:50

And I just, it makes me think of one word that I just really want to get on the table too.

I don't know why, but even if you're not being sexually active with another human being, I still want every woman in my community to feel sensual, to feel good in her body, to proceed through life, you know, receiving and feeling like a sensual being and emanating that energy when she wants to, where she wants to. And that doesn't require partnered sex.

Dr. Juliana: 00:14:18

It doesn't. And in fact, you want to know this about yourself before you ever approach it with somebody else so that you can really protect what is truly yours.

And your guesses and no's before you understand and sit have space for somebody else's yeses and no's. So I love it. And you're right. The other thing, sometimes, like the first thing I do with somebody is to say you are a sexual being.

If you're breathing, it does not matter what you're doing with yourself or anybody else. You are. It's already been bestowed upon you. You're. It's your birthright pleasures are both. Right. So is sexuality.

And, and anything and anyone that gets added into that is just bonuses. And, and I absolutely agree with you about sensuality. It's actually the first pillar because I think it's just one of the most accessible.

But it used to be something that I would say was really easy. It was, it was the light. One of the lighter of the nine pillars. Absolutely not. It is not light. There's so much to it.

And it's this beautiful way to start looking at holistic sexuality because a lot of times, especially when we're talking about the age group that you defined earlier, that they feel that something is wrong with them or something has drastically changed. They have no idea who they are at this point. And I understand the grieving that comes along that.

But I often will say, well, well, this is the great news.

And this is part of, to me, the great news about perimenopause and menopause is that it is as if you have completely shed everything that you have been and who you are and you're starting all over again to know who this person is. And I find that to be good news.

ELLA: 00:15:54

Yeah, it certainly can be. Right. It's also not always easy news. So we're, we're, we will recognize what is real for us. But let's start there.

Let's talk about what are some of the biggest hang ups, if you will. What are we struggling with at this age? We're over 35, we're over 40. And I know for a fact people struggle with their physical bodies.

Their bodies change. They don't. You don't look the same at 40 as you did perhaps at 20.

I would submit to you that your healthy partnership does not rely on a bikini model body like you show up. That's, you've done your job. I don't mean to be so flip, but you, you know what I'm saying?

I would submit to you that if you're there and you're in that moment, it is all goodness. But can you talk to me the way that you counsel women who are really struggling to have the lights on, so to speak. Juliana.

Dr. Juliana: 00:16:50

Yes, it's, it's a really big issue. And all the studies show that the number one way to change your relationship with your body is to have body compassion.

And so that's the word that I use. I don't use body image. I use having body compassion for our relationship with our body. And that involves grieving. It also involves celebration.

And I'm not sitting here saying like, you should Absolutely feel great about your body no matter what.

That's because a lot of times, and sometimes I think there's an issue in the body positivity movement is that it's that the destination is feeling worried about your body.

ELLA: 00:17:27

I agree with the fact that that is unrealistic for most of us.

Dr. Juliana: 00:17:31

Yes, it is. Because then it often keeps you in a place of deficit that you're not even doing this. You can't even love your body right. You're supposed to do that.

And that is exhausting. What I prefer is for women to have compassion for their bodies.

And some of that will be self love, some of that will help you grow to have a different view of the parts of you. But I also don't think you have to have this imperfection. So having compassion. I think it's a really beautiful starting point.

I also think that there, that there isn't anything wrong with sitting with the notion of I because I feel different about the way I look. I am shying away from sexual contact with myself or with a partner. And there are times that what I do with my clients is we're working out.

So what positions do you feel comfortable in? Where is the starting point? There is, there's no right or wrong way to have sex. Although everything will tell you that there is a right or wrong way.

If that's incorrect and what makes you have a better access and a more easeful access to you as a sexual being is what you do. So if it's light off, that's not wrong, bad or shame filled, then you change the lights.

If this position doesn't make you feel good, which for a lot of people, one of the changes is if they liked previous to the changes in their body being on top, that they don't love how their breasts look or they don't like how their stomach is looking, I don't think the pressure to embrace all that is the way to go. I think, okay, so we change that, but we don't change it because it's better wrong.

We change it because that's what you are wanting and needing at this point. And we work with that. And maybe it stays there, maybe it changes.

ELLA: 00:19:14

And how do you suggest, if you don't mind me being really practical, how do you suggest that people approach their partner to have this conversation if you in fact do suggest it? I'm assuming that like openness here and communication here is useful in a trusted relationship. It might not, might not always be comfortable though.

What suggestions do you have?

Dr. Juliana: 00:19:34

Yeah, I love walking a couple through this conversation. It's not easy. It's very vulnerable. And you want to have a relationship already that can handle, handle vulnerable conversations and topics.

But assuming that you do, then it is, it's just putting there on the table saying, I, you know, one of the things that is, is preventing me from having pleasure or connecting with you is I don't feel great about my body. And then I stop and say, do not say to her right now, you're beautiful, you're amazing, I love you, you're so sexy. Do not answer that way.

It's going to go nowhere. It will not land. It's. It's going to sound like she, you have to say it. Then you're gonna get frustrated.

So instead I just teach them just to witness it and say, I understand, I understand. That's how you're feeling. What can I do to support you to feel more comfortable?

And, and that simple bit of not dismissing how she's feeling makes a really big difference to give room for curiosity and problem solving. And, and then we get into the problem solving issue.

Like, what is going to make you feel more comfortable and be a partner that is supportive and allows her to be in a driver's seat of her deciding what feels right and what doesn't.

ELLA: 00:20:40

Another thing that I know that women struggle with is this rut after a while. And I, what I mean is everything becomes patterns and becomes habits, right? And in longer term relationships, that's inevitable.

Sex will become patterned. Typically it will become some kind of habit.

Maybe you're in the habit of not having it, or it's always on Tuesdays or it's always after you've brushed your teeth and gotten in your pajamas and gotten in bed. Like, you know, anything that you do over and over and over again loses its novelty. But it is weirdly vulnerable.

And I've heard women express this time and time again, but this is not exclusively a female issue. It is weirdly vulnerable to pattern interrupt and to say, hey, I'm not complaining here.

Like there's, you know, I'm, this is, I'm not changing from a five star rating or anything, but we are in a pattern, maybe not even a rut, and I'd like to try something different. That is such a vulnerable place to put yourself in. And I would assume it's vulnerable for both people in a partnered situation.

Juliana, how do people address that? Whether it's how they initiate or who initiates or where they initiate or when they initiate or what happens after you press go.

Like, talk to me about Changing the game and rewriting this sort of social contract, this sexual contract that we have with one another. How do you even begin that process?

Dr. Juliana: 00:22:07

Well, the first thing is the way that you worded it is exactly how you begin it, which is when you're going to be the one that starts the topic. It is something when you say it in the eye and it is I want.

So it's not a criticism because a lot of times people have this hyper vigilance to hearing criticism when you're talking about changing something in your relationship, but particularly in your sexual life.

ELLA: 00:22:31

Yeah.

Dr. Juliana: 00:22:31

And so if you say like I want this with the underlying assumption being because I want this better for both of us because our sex life matters so much to me, I want to see what we can do.

So that's the first part is in the I that I want and, and watching your tone, watching your wording and, and also saying it at a time that it is well time for everyone to show up as their best self for the conversation. It's amazing how people overlook that step. It's if, if your partner is stressed or hungry or tired, this is not the time to bring up this topic.

It doesn't have to be perfect but, or if you're in that situation but you want to set the first time into this, set everyone else up for, for the best to feel safe and be emotionally vulnerable.

ELLA: 00:23:17

Is it fair to ask that you don't start this conversation in bed?

Dr. Juliana: 00:23:20

In bed, pre or post sex can make a difference. If everyone's feeling connected.

It's when you don't want to do it is when you are pissed off and irritated because it'll be really for you to be able to, to have everyone be their best self. If, if you, I don't care if you say I want this.

If you're like, you know what, and you know, if you have attitude as, as a part of it, it's just going to shut down yourself and your, and your partner.

ELLA: 00:23:44

And I know that resentment can just ooze out of every pore.

So if you're speaking from a place of resentment and, and by the way, a lot of people have every right to feel resentment and feel their feelings in this arena, but communicating from that place is going to yield a very different result than if you can to have this conversation.

You know what I love for these, this type of conversation is I love suggesting to people that they go for a walk or they go for a drive or something and you have a shoulder to shoulder, not a face to face.

Dr. Juliana: 00:24:13

Yes, that's actually what I was about to say is my next tip is that I love it because you have other things to distract you and you're not staring each other like lions, you know, like that you don't have that aspect. It just gives people space to process their feelings, their emotions. And I think it's a beautiful way to have a harder conversation.

And it's a parenting tip I give too. So after you have that kind of set, you, you want to invite in two important vibes. One is curiosity.

That is a really great way to, to have problem solving, be creative and be team approach. So if you're curious, that makes a big difference. And if you, if you really infuse the idea of fun.

So I'm going to be curious and we're going to have fun with this.

It really helps wipe out the fear of failure because a lot of times if you, if you've waited long or I'll just say too long to have this conversation, you have resentment or ick factor or just like, oh, you know, you just like you're just checking it off or dreading it or whatever you need to do to avoid it. You, you have lost the lightness that fun can bring to the, to the topic. And it's really important to bring it in as much as you can.

I, I want to also give like a very practical exercise that I find to be really powerful for couples. And it could be introduced early into this topic or it could be something that you use after this conversation.

But I'll give it to you and you can put it in the podcast notes. It's called the four quadrant exercise. I did come up with it. It's been used for many, many years in the sex education space.

But I have my own twist to it that I, I really like. So, so out in this, you'll get a list of sex acts and then you're going to get this graphic that you can, that people can download from you.

And on the list of sex acts, it is over 40 sex acts.

That is from everything from holding hands as a sex act to something that you probably are going to have to look up because you've never heard of it and it seems just super wild and you want that and you can add, and you can add whatever you want to or you can even do your own sex excellence. But sometimes people have a hard time coming up with it. So I've done that.

Or they're afraid of like what or Google search will look like if they do it. So I've done it for you, I don't care what my history looks like. And, and so you had this, this list and then you had this other graphic.

And there's four parts to this. The first is sex acts that I've done that I think I want to do again.

Sex acts that I have done that I think I'm going to pause or I don't want to do anymore. Then the third is sex acts I have not done. But I mean, that sounds pretty good.

And sex acts that I haven't done that just, just I feel like I don't ever want to try it. And with this exercise and you do it by yourself first, and if you're partnered, you could give. Have your partner do it as well.

You don't do it together, you do it separately. Then you come to each other with your, with your responses.

And it is, it's one of the first acts of agency sometimes that people have because one of the requirements is you take every sex act and it has to go in one of the four quadrants. And so you have to choose like, do I want this? Do I not want this? Is this a yes or is this a no? Is it yuck or is it yum?

And I don't allow there to be a maybe. It is not a maybe. You cannot ride the fence. You can't do the context.

And I do know sometimes things have a context to it, but for this exercise, it's really about owning what is a yum and what's a yacht.

ELLA: 00:27:34

Sure.

Dr. Juliana: 00:27:35

And. And so that alone is extremely valuable whether whatever your sexual situation is.

But if it's in a situation that you're trying to change things, this exercise can be a really beautiful.

I'm putting quotation like excuse to get into this topic if it feels too confrontational or if you have something that feel that you can't avoid it being critical. For instance, like when you do this, it hurts and I've told you this or I've tried to say it and you keep doing it like that's that.

There is a criticism to that and you can't avoid it. So a top exercise like this can help get that motor going between the two of you of talking about it. It.

And it may come up, especially if you use that as one of the sex acts as well as something that I've tried and I don't want to do anymore.

ELLA: 00:28:19

I love this because I really like the idea. I like the gamification of it.

And I like that actually anytime things are weird or difficult or feel weirdly vulnerable, because it's almost like attributing it, I want to say blaming it in quotes, blaming it on a third party. And I'm trying to think of how you can do that. Like, we did a challenge once. I feel like it was eight days of intimacy in a row.

And I mean, this was years and years and years ago. And I think we've done a challenge before, doing a like an 8 second hug every day for two weeks in a row. And just stuff like that.

When you can do these cheesy tools, if you will. I'm describing the ones I just suggested. It allows you to attribute some of this wall breaking down to a third thing.

It's not you, it's not me, it's this thing. Let's try it.

Dr. Juliana: 00:29:11

Right?

ELLA: 00:29:12

But I like your exercise. Please send it to me. That way I can share it with everybody. That's fantastic. Thank you, Juliana.

This is going to be weirdly specific, but I was in a group of women and they were. This is like graphic and specific and useful.

They were talking about how as they were, their bodies were changing, their estrogen was declining, so on and so forth. They aren't lubricated as easily, they're drier. And they don't want their partner to think that it is because of their partner.

And yet they don't wanna describe themselves like they're some 800-year-old, you know, desert. So I'm just talking the way we talk, okay? This is how we talk when we're.

Dr. Juliana: 00:29:52

Not on the air, okay?

ELLA: 00:29:53

We're like dry as a desert. What am I gonna do about it?

Anyway, this one woman was saying, she was like, I want to introduce some kind of lube or natural oil or that sort of thing. And that's actually what she was asking people about.

And she's like, how do I introduce that without having my partner feel like it's his fault and without, you know, like he's not having the same effect on me or without me feeling like I've crossed into some no man's land territory and I'm just dry as can be now. And you get what I'm trying to say. So when we have naturally occurring changes, because I'm sure this happens in lots of different ways.

I know some women start to experience pain with sex related to dryness and other things. Like, I know, I know shit happens, okay?

And I want to equip women with an approach, like a card they can play that they have in their pocket that they can whip out a card that they can play when they need to initiate a change in their relationship. But they're hindered by those two concerns that I have just shared with you.

One is like how they present and the other is how they make their partner feel, if you will. What would you do with that?

Dr. Juliana: 00:30:55

Sure. Yeah. So there. There's two places where I would begin and you have to just judge your own personality and your relationship personality. One is humor.

Getting five different kinds of lubes, throwing on the bed and be like, let's do like Russian roulette with lube and just see which one we like. Or again, going back to like. So I went to this workshop. It gave us all these samples. I feel so bad. Let's try it. There's. There is a. If.

If hitting it head on isn't the way to go in your relationship, then I think having humor and lightness to it is a beautiful way to add it. I don't find it to be avoided.

I actually think it helps bring that the fun and curiosity back into it, which is a really important vibe in a sexual relations that's going to be fulfilling long term. Another way is to hit it on it. Say, this is a vulnerable thing for me to talk about. To find out.

Just add it to the list of one more thing at this time in my, you know, this age has done. And. And I'd love for you to be supportive in us using lubricant. I think it's going to make a difference and let's try it out.

But I feel weird or I feel embarrassed about it or I don't want it to. I don't want you to feel like that my body isn't attracted to it. It is, is. Is just. It's changed. It's changed.

I can't go run a marathon tomorrow because I haven't run in five years and something has changed. And. And my body, that it's not lubricating the same way. So I think, I think those two ways are.

Are for most relationships, one of those two ways it's going to work.

ELLA: 00:32:18

So I am your sex wing woman, my friends.

If you want to try something new, if you want to introduce a new topic, if you want to try a new toy, if you want to figure out how to introduce loose, just be like, I was listening to this podcast and these women were talking and they said, okay, so we are your wing women. Officially, we are here.

Dr. Juliana: 00:32:37

Please use me too. Yes, yes.

ELLA: 00:32:39

You just blame it on Ella and Juliana. Like, whatever you need to happen, we got you.

And you said, to quote Juliana adding in a dose of curiosity and fun will take you miles down this road. Juliana, I feel like we have barely gotten started and I just feel like we could keep going and going. So I'm just gonna have to ask you to come back.

Dr. Juliana: 00:33:03

Oh, would love that. As always, love speaking with you.

ELLA: 00:33:06

You are helping so many people. I'm so grateful for you. For now, tell everyone where you prefer to be found.

Dr. Juliana: 00:33:14

Yes. So I'm on Instagram, Rjuliana Houser and I love it when people ask questions.

I love knowing what you want me to answer and always use me as an excuse.

ELLA: 00:33:24

Julianna. Thank you.

Dr. Juliana: 00:33:25

Thank you, Ella.

ELLA: 00:33:27

Okay, if you enjoyed today's show, please share it with someone you care about. And be be sure to check out our new YouTube channel and head to onairella.com for today's show notes.

You can also learn about how to work with me there on air. Ella.com and I would love to hear from you. So if you DM me on Instagram, I promise I will reply. Yes.

All the links you need for us to connect are right here in your podcast app in the description for today's episode. Check them out. Thanks for listening and thanks for inspiring me. You are, quite simply, awesome.