389: Are you *being* the person you want to be? Mastering identity-based habit change.

ELLA: 00:00:00

I have a confession. I do not like the word or the idea of resolutions. New year's resolutions? No, couldn't be me. I'm not interested. Because to me, and this is to me, I am not putting this on you, but to me, the word connotation. It's something I want to do. I might try to do it, then I'll probably run out of steam for it. If I even do take action, I'll run out of steam for it somewhere around January 6th. Right? So then it becomes ammunition that I'm going to harm myself with, right? It becomes a tool for self-flagellation. Oh, here we go again. You said this year was going to be different, and then here we are again. That might just be me, but I do not choose to set New Year's resolutions, and I do not choose to self-flagellation after not meeting them. But I believe in a lot of things, and I believe that there are a great many ways to keep improving and to grow and none of that entails creating a list of ways to be a better person, better than the person I am today.

ELLA: 00:01:10

That then becomes a means of self-sabotage and then invariably self-flagellation. If that is something that you're interested in pulling apart and redoing and looking at how to live the fullest expression of you in this new year that's coming up. But you want to reframe how you do that, then stick around, because we're about to talk about the energy that we want to take into 2025, the person we want to be in 2025. And we are not talking about New Year's resolutions. Welcome. You're on air with Ella, where we share simple strategies and tips for living a little better every day. If you're interested in mindset and wellness or healthy habits and relationships or hormone health, aging well, and eating well. honestly, if you're just into living better and with more energy, then you're in the right place. We're not here for perfect. We're here for a little better every day. Let's go. Hi. Yes, okay. We are diving in to a topic of transformation in a way, but we are talking about ourselves.

ELLA: 00:02:22

We are talking about who we are right now. We are not talking about living out some ideal, some fantasy of the person that we think we're supposed to be, of the things we think we should do because we're not using the word should. It does not exist in our vocabulary. It's off the table. Instead, I want to talk about the energy that we want to take into 2025. I want to talk about the energy we want to create around ourselves, the energy we want to live in and the energy we want to live out into the next year. All right. So that is so different. This is not about resolutions or to do lists. It's about if anything are to be list, right? But we're really talking about aligning with our true identity and growing from there. So this is going to be a three part series. And this is part one. And I will also have a couple of guests that speak in this topic as well. But for the next few weeks I want to include topics.

ELLA: 00:03:26

I'm not saying we'll do this exclusively, but I want to include topics that help shape the very best version of us. And I want to be really clear. I am talking about the who we already are, but we want to turn down the volume on some things and turn up the volume on other things. We want to turn down the volume on self neglect. We want to turn down the volume on negativity. We want to turn up focusing on our gifts. We want to turn up creating in the spaces that are meant for us. We want to turn up connection. We want to turn up energy and vitality, etc.. So welcome to part one. We are going to be talking today a lot about identity and aligning our actions with our identity, because it is the most powerful approach, according to science, to achieve any kind of sustainable change, big or small, by tapping into the core of how we perceive ourselves and our role in the world. And this concept is supported by lots of cognitive science.

ELLA: 00:04:32

I will drop some references for those of you who are interested in the show notes, but at the end of the day, there's a great deal of science behind the power of identity change to live out habit change and growth and personal development. And again, just being the fullest expression of yourself. Part two will be more about motivation from within and seeking that intrinsic motivation and what that means. And you already know I have a complicated relationship with the word motivation because momentum trumps motivation every time. But I will still use the word motivation when we talk about how to propel ourselves forward. So that's what part two will be about. And then part three will be more about how our beliefs shape our actions. Okay. But today we're talking about identity shifting. Identity shifting is not about throwing yourself away, putting your identity, your personality in the bin. It's not about disliking yourself. It's not about changing who you fundamentally are. No identity shifting is about shifting who you are in the context of your various life situations, whether it's your home or your work or your relationships, or your health, or your financial management and who you are and how you show up in those spaces, it's about recognizing that you are not defined by your past any more than you are defined by your current circumstances.

ELLA: 00:06:01

When we talk about shifting our identity, you're essentially convincing your subconscious mind to become the person that you need to be to achieve your goals and create the life that you want, and you're giving your subconscious a target to hit, rather than letting some of those things I just shared with you like your past, your current circumstances, your emotions, your thoughts and beliefs about yourself, rather than letting those dictate where you go and what you do. So we are moving from being that entity on a raft in choppy waters that bobs along, gets hit by a wave, gets thrown off course, and we are removing ourselves from the situation where we feel like the water, which is our circumstances, our thoughts, our beliefs, where the water's in control of where we go, what we do and with whom. I want us in this conversation to see ourselves differently and to understand the immense power that we have to shape who we are and how we see the world. But how? Right? Like, we sort of know this.

ELLA: 00:07:10

We are now being reminded of it. But how do we do it? Because we're not just talking about changing our brains. We're talking about changing our subconscious. A lot of this stuff, a lot of the way we operate in the world, is programmed via our subconscious. We're not even aware of it. We are running on autopilot with our thoughts and our reactions to circumstances and the way that we behave, and whether we're able to stick to a habit or not. So much of that programming is being run by a hard drive that we have never explored before, and we don't even know what is driving us to do the opposite of what we intend for ourselves. Well, that is such an important topic that I am going to give you some homework. I'm going to link to a couple of shows. Two shows specifically that will really help you dive into that awareness piece. So that will be a part of the summary of today's show, but I want to give you something new as well. I want to give you some identity based exploratory questions that I really, really would love for you to answer for yourself.

ELLA: 00:08:24

I think it will make every bit of difference as to what kind of results that you can get. As we step into this new year together with a completely different energy. And yes, I've created a handout for you and yes, you can download that, save it to your phone, do whatever works for you so that you can revisit these in your own time, when you can actually make some notes on these. So I will put this in downloadable form for you, but here are the identity based exploratory questions that I'm challenging each of us with to begin this process. The first question who do I want to be? You know, what kind of person do I want to become? There are several ways to ask this question. Who do I want to be? You can use some of the tricks and tips that I've shared with you in the past, which is to say, you can ask yourself, who do I want to be in five years? What do I want my life to look like? What does it look like and feel like and sound like? Who's in it? Or you can say, I'm 86.

ELLA: 00:09:23

What am I proud of in the life that I led to get me here? Or you can do an exercise that I like. I think it's so powerful, but not everybody loves it. You can write your own eulogy. You can say, this is after I've had my full run here on this planet Earth. Here's what I want people to say about me when I'm gone. So you can look at it like that too. At the end of the day, the question is this who do you want to be? What is the best version of yourself that feels authentic to you? That's question number one. Okay. Question number two. What actions reflect my desired identity? What do I do every day or every month to support this desired identity? If I am that person now, what am I doing? What is my life look like? What do my choices look like? What am I specifically not doing in this desired identity that I just wrote out in question one? Consider what would a person who embodies this identity do in this situation and this situation? You know, the situations are all of the different spaces you operate in.

ELLA: 00:10:36

What would a person who embodies this identity do in social situations, in relationship, at work, on their own? As you look at the actions that reflect that desired identity, I think it's so useful to consider what patterns are keeping me tied to my current identity. How can I interrupt them, or what will I replace them with? It's much easier, much easier to replace a repeated behavior than it is to just quit it. Cold turkey. But what patterns? What things are you doing over and over again that are keeping you tied to your past or your current identity, the one that you want to uplevel? Okay, so that's question two. And there's only one more question. The third question is who? Who in my life is helping shape the identity that I want for myself, and who in my life may be shaping the identity that I don't? Now, can you elaborate on these? Of course you can. I'm going to give you that downloadable with all three questions, but you can elaborate on them.

ELLA: 00:11:45

You can consider and reflect on the circumstances that you might put yourself in that shape, the identity that you do or do not want. You can look at the buying decisions that you make or where you spend your time, decisions that you make that feed the identity that you do or do not want. Okay, but this is intended to get you started because this process, this one that we're going to dive into in this series, this process of creating the identity of a fuller expression of our true self, it must begin with awareness. It can't start anywhere else. It begins with awareness, knowing that comes before doing so. You answer those questions. What can you do a lot? Actually, a great place to start is practice. Hey it's Ella. Have you noticed that I have not asked for podcast reviews in a long time? There's a reason I'm not going to ask for podcast reviews anymore. I'm not. I figure if you love the show and you want to put a tip in the tip jar, you'll just leave a review.

ELLA: 00:12:50

Like you'll just something will inspire you and it will happen. And rainbows and sunshine will pop out in due course and all will be well. And yes, I will continue to read reviews on the air. I don't do it all the time because that would be insane, but I will continue to read whatever you write with your five star review on the air, but I'm not doing that anymore. I'm not asking for those. I think it's boring. Okay, I have to ask you for something else. And this is so easy. This is so much easier than leaving a review, but it turns out it is ten times more important. And I did not know. And that is, wherever you're listening to this show, can you please subscribe? It turns out that only 32% of my listener base is actually subscribed, whether it's in Apple Podcasts or Spotify or the app of your choice. And that hugely affects the statistics that matter. When I am trying to grow the show, would you click on subscribe or follow or whatever that is in your app? It will really make a material difference for me.

ELLA: 00:13:54

Quite frankly, this is just a favor for me. What's in it for you? one little thing and that is that you'll get the shows automatically, and you can always determine whether you want to listen to them or not, but you will never have to go hunt for the show. So that's what's in it for you? Yeah, mostly I think it's like a great way to support the show with the click of a button. So, so hope you can do that. I appreciate you so much. I hope you know that and I am grateful. Can you pick one area of your life where you would like to level up and practice something with me over the next few weeks? It can be work related. It can be something occurring in your own mind and your own mind alone. It can be the way that you talk to yourself. It can be fears that you have about launching a new project or stepping out of your comfort zone. For some reason it can be financially related, relationship related.

ELLA: 00:14:45

Anything on that life wheel that we talk about, which you can download on my website right now for free, by the way. Any area of that life wheel where you're looking to level up, can you practice as if with me? Over the next few weeks? I'll give you an example. Let's say that you want to be a powerful speaker, like a confident speaker, whether that's from a stage or even just in your next meeting or next social event. For example, I would like you to take that thing. We'll use that as an example, and I would like you to start acting as if you are already that person by practicing really small. In this case, I want you to stand in front of a mirror, stand in front of a mirror, and deliver a little mini TEDx talk. In fact, why don't you make that TEDx talk about why you listen to podcasts and what podcasts have done for you? Okay, that's just your little topic. I want you to stand in front of that mirror and deliver that speech.

ELLA: 00:15:46

I want you to pay attention to your body language. I want you to pay attention to your facial expressions and your gestures and your tone. And whether you're projecting or not, I want you to practice speaking with clarity and confidence. I want you, in other words, to build the Awareness and the attunement to your presentation skills. Okay, that sounds so, so simple, but these little tiny actions that we can take from the as if perspective, as if we are already the person that we want to be, these little tiny actions actually can create lasting behavior. Doctor Joe Dispenza, he calls it bonding with your future. He says you have to act as if and you must bond with your future. In other words, you must think and act like the person who has the thing you want or achieved the outcome that you desire and practice from that space. Okay, if you need to ground this in a little bit of reality, think about it this way. The person that you are right now, right now, present day, you exactly where you are right in this moment.

ELLA: 00:16:54

That person is the result of every tiny action and behavior that you have been practicing for a long, long time, whether it's been conscious or unconscious. Practice doesn't always make perfect, my friend. It makes permanent. Practice makes permanent. So the little things that we do every single day become who we are now. So all we're really talking about is being more intentional, intentional, intentional about what we're practicing. And this acting as if from the point of view of somebody who already has it, that changes our frequency. It changes the space that we occupy, the state that we're in as we make these micro decisions throughout our life. Now, I use that example of being a better speaker or more confident speaking up in any space. But obviously you take the actions and the goals that you have out of those three questions, out of that exercise and those are the actions that you run through the as if filter. I'll give you one more example to drive this home. Let's say that you want to become a more moderate drinker of alcohol.

ELLA: 00:18:16

So instead of saying, you know, I need to cut down on alcohol or I should drink less during the week, or I already know that I want this. But yeah, I just haven't been successful at reducing this habit. Well, has that worked? Is it working now instead? And by the way, as I share this, think of whatever is true for you. Instead of filling your head with shoulds which lead to self-flagellation, I challenge you to imagine yourself as someone who identifies as a moderate drinker. In this case, let's be specific. What does that mean? Oh, I only have 2 to 3 drinks over the course of a weekend. That's this made up hypothetical of a moderate drinker. I am no longer someone who, quote, wants to cut down on alcohol. Quote I am a moderate drinker. I have a couple of drinks over the weekend. This identity shift, speaking from that place, acting from that place, behaving from that place means that I see myself as someone who enjoys social occasions without relying on alcohol to have a good time, who does not use alcohol as a coping mechanism to deal with my weekday stress, etc..

ELLA: 00:19:23

Right? I'm not fighting against a version of myself. Instead, I'm putting myself in the shoes of someone who is already a mild moderate drinker who has a few beverages over a weekend, and I operate from there. In this identity, I might choose to attend social events with a plan like alternating alcoholic drinks with water or opting into what I call prop drinks. Of course, you can just not drink. That's always an option, right? But if you ever want to reduce the peer pressure and the occasional social awkwardness, that is just true. I don't make the rules of people wanting you to drink because they are a prop drink goes a long way. It's where you have a drink that looks like a gin and tonic. But it's soda water and lime. Okay, that that's one example. you might explore other activities that involve community and socializing and friendship that are not actually centered around drinking. How about them apples? The point is that by seeing yourself as a moderate drinker, your actions will more naturally align with that self-perception.

ELLA: 00:20:29

That is a much easier way to lead to sustainable change, because this focuses on becoming the kind of person who can enjoy their life without excessive drinking, because they already are. You're making decisions from the place where you already are, the manifestation of what you want to be. Forget about speaking and forget about drinking for you. Are you getting good at being the person you want to be, or are you getting good at being the person you don't want to be? That's why I want to start together right now. Who are we getting good at being? If we continue on our current trajectory in any area where we want to level up right now, if we continue at this pace with these habits, with this perspective, in three months, will we be better? The same? Worse? Proud. Disappointed. Who are we getting good at being right now? Okay, that's where I'll leave you right now. I'm going to do these in relatively small chunks so that you can maybe give them a listen once and then once more for takeaways.

ELLA: 00:21:46

I promise you, you'll hear it completely differently the second time. I do this all the time. Yes, even with my own show, I was there when it was recorded. So technically that's three times. You'd be amazed at how you hear different things the second time around, so I'll keep it short for that reason. And I will create a downloadable that will be completely available for you right there in the show notes and on my website. And if you want to just skip all that, you can just DM me 389 if you DM me 389 in Instagram, I will just direct reply with that downloadable okay, go grab those three questions and then have a ponder and I will meet you again in part two. Okay, if you enjoyed today's show, please share it with someone you care about and be sure to check out our new YouTube channel and head to On air. Com for today's show notes, you can also learn about how to work with me there on our L.A. comm, and I would love to hear from you.

ELLA: 00:22:45

So if you DM me on Instagram, I promise I will reply. P.S. all the links you need for us to connect are right here in your podcast app. In the description for today's episode. Check them out. Thanks for listening and thanks for inspiring me. You are quite simply awesome.